Hold the Stick in the Middle: A reflection on parenting style

Cultural misunderstanding happen any minute in a cross cultural marriage especially when couples became parents. The culture and background of both parents formed assumptions that could easily influence parental style and behavior. My husband who is born and raised in Jordan, is raised by a  child-centered and carefree parenting style. It is coined as 'indulgent parenting' by researcher Diana Baumrind. In contrast, I was raised  in an authoritarian parenting style. So this causes misunderstanding. Let me illustrate with our story.

Having my first child 7 years ago, my Arab family would give my baby anything that they are eating or drinking. A taste of sweet mint tea or Arabic coffee or soft drink, it doesn't matter what the beverage is made of, what matters is that the child is watching and "longing" as the adult luxuriously sips the tasty stuff. The baby has to have it! How can anyone with tender heart deny such pleasure? Here's more. My baby was offered tiny bits of candy or potato chips. My initial reaction was a quick "no" to a list of healthy and unhealthy food. This is where MY authoritarian parental control versus THEIR child-centered approach comes to clash. Child centered approach rarely deny children what they want. Adults give in to their needs and wants. They can't allow the "poor" baby while she was drooling and hopelessly reaching for the yummy stuff.  The authoritarian approach give the parents a good deal of control. In extreme practices, both approach can be accused of being too lax or too strict. Personally,  I've tried to be rational and think that an occasional sweet and unhealthy stuff wouldn't hurt that much...compared to my unguarded reactions or criticism that would hurt for a long, long time.  As my wise husband would say, "Hold the stick in the middle". (  امسك العصى من الوسط

Another dawn of understanding came one day when we visited a relative. As I was feeding my toddler a piece of packed banana, two children came in. My mother-in-law took the banana from my hand and divided it into 3 and shared it.  I was shocked! In my mindset, there is something called mine and yours. I didn't understand why one small piece of banana for my toddler is shared with big kids!!! So I started asking questions. I've learned that there is a strong belief that if a child sees and desires something, say a candy and that desire is not satisfied, then the unfulfilled longing will show up in his face and it will swell. So my kids get fed whenever other kids are getting their snacks or lunch. There weren't any chance for them to drool! Cultural understanding allows cultural dialogue to take place. An awareness of my individualistic framework tells me that I cannot imagine to share a piece of banana to 3 kids. Understanding their strong belief instead of brushing it off as superstition facilitate cultural dialogue.

My kids were  deeply loved and were shown a great deal of affection by their Arab family. Arabs in general "melt" like no other people when they see my children and other children. As hubby said, "We lose our 'dignity' when we see kids." Armed with this experiential knowledge, I have relaxed when my second and third babies tasted the 'forbidden' food according to my list. I have since crossed between the bridge of indulgence to parental control back and forth. My girls have since learned to accept (and still bargain) about my rules and know that they are quite free in their uncle's house. In reflection, what I want my girls to really learn in their bi-cultural family is to enjoy the rhythm of diversity, find balance in perspective and appreciate the different ways they are loved by the two sides of their family.

 

Mansaf: a Jordanian Delicacy

One of the main and popular dish that you wouldn't want to miss when you visit Jordan is the "Mansaf".  This is considered the national dish of the country. Using native raised goat or lamb that grazed the greens of Jordan, the meat is gamey and is cooked with yogurt.  This is traditionally known as a Bedouin dish with the meat and yogurt readily available to them and the rice and bread were later additions to the dish. Oral tradition has it that the Moab king  rebelled against the Israel's food law and deliberately cooked the milk or the yogurt with the same animal that produced it. (Exodus 23:19; Exodus 24:26; Deuteronomy 14:21). Moab is presently known as Karak in Jordan.

This delicious dish is prepared by boiling the meat with yogurt and seasoned with ghee herbs called Hwajet el Samneh. After that, it is served on a large aluminum platter firstly with a layer of thin bread and then a layer of rice and  after that, it is topped with the meat and garnished with almond or pine nuts and parsley. The rich yogurt soup will be offered later to be poured over the rice, according to your preferred amount. It is traditionally eaten as a community meal where a group of 4-8 person (depending on how big the platter) come around the food.

The next day after a wedding. the bride's family would come to visit the newly weds. This is called "Sabahiya". The groom's family would prepare a feast of "Mansaf" for the guests. The bride's family would bring "Kinafa".  In the village, family means the closest clan and neighbors!

Good manners dictates that  one get the meat and rice closest to them and working towards the center, not sideways, so they won't cross over their seat mates' portion. Also never lick your fingers! Jordanians artistically forms the rice into a ball using their fingers and pop it into the mouth. Lately, the women section have spoons available for the new generation. Lost art, indeed.
 

So we were honored with this special platter of  Mansaf with goat head!

As the one married to an Arab, I have acquired the taste for the bland, sour, fresh yogurt. I used to dislike the gamey smell of the goaties but hey, after I saw the kind of lifestyle they have (i.e. grazing the grass/hay early morning on the hillside or roadside and another round of exercise and eating in the afternoon), I am convinced that they are healthy animals. Really, I have craved for mansaf more than my husband. Surely, this delicacy is something worth trying.

Confusion on the Dining Table

Cross-cultural marriage is quite confusing at times. There are some day to day behavior that were unspoken, assumed and taken for granted. Just look at our dining table. Many things happened during meal time that caused us frustration and pushed us to reevaluate our assumptions and values so we can live harmoniously. For instance, Arabs main carbohydrates are pita bread , unleavened bread, and paper thin bread (shraak). Chinese main carbohydrates are steamed rice or noodles. Looking back, we were so adventurous and gracious. I would contend myself with bread for dinner and then would sneak up for the leftover rice or noodles. My husband will do the same, feasting on a Chinese supper only to find himself longing for bread and yogurt at midnight.  So for over nine years of marriage, we both learned to fix our own dinner according to our preferences. Being married to an Arab made me realize how uncomplicated a meal can possibly be: bread, yogurt, zaatar (thyme mixture) and olives oil.  The Chinese way involved time consuming preparation and cooking unless we opted for dine out.

One of the cultural thing I've wished that I have known is this: there is no definite mealtime in the Arab land. Locals usually eat after work which is about 3 o'clock  or 4 or 5. Maybe at 2pm on Fridays or weekend. Oh, there is no telling! It also meant that it's a heavy late lunch or an early dinner, then no more  after that. This is the general feel and some household may differ from it. What I appreciate is the meal structure during the month long Ramadan. Every household member definitely gather for a big supper/Iftar after sunset's call for prayer.

Another detail that I wished I've known about is the table setup. There is no table set up in the villages!!! What I mean is that they would sit on the thin mattresses on the floor and set up their platters on the floor then gather around the food. This is advantageous because it can be flexible to accommodate a big family and guests.  What a contrast to a structured Chinese table where everyone, especially the head of the family, has a specific place of prestige in the dining table! So without this knowledge, I was very frustrated on the first year of our marriage. Why?  Because I insisted on a dining table set up specifically for a place called "mine" and "yours" and my husband insisted otherwise. Now that I experienced the natural seating arrangements in his upbringing, I relented. Sort of.

To this day, our house is a fusion when it comes to the family meal. Surely, I still insist that my Bedouin background husband sit and eat on the dining table- oh, please not the couch nor the floor, habebe. On the other hand, I followed the non- structured setup whenever I visit the village house. We would dine in the hallway when we need cool breeze on summer or in the sitting room when we need privacy or heat. There no seat plan and literally no chairs but I am now at peace with that.  Lunch time is somewhere between 12 o'clock to 4 o'clock and we find ourselves eating together or separately depending on our work and availability. My kids would choose to have dinner like their baba's then they will change their mind and have something like mama's. They have the best of two worlds, I must say. In the end I think compromise is the key. It unlocks the chain of misunderstanding and rigidity. It opened the door for possible fusion from confusion.

How do you know you're adapting to the Middle East culture?

Since I have celebrated 8 years living in the Middle East , I've noticed quite a  significant change in myself. I have subconsciously adapted to the culture! So how do you and I know that we're in the process of  assimilating Middle East's culture? Here's are 14 in a list.

1. You naturally reach out to greet an acquaintance by kissing cheeks to cheeks.
2.  You instinctively understand  how many times you should kiss an acquaintance, a friend and a close friend and know which side of your cheek to offer. (There is no rule for this).
3.  You start cheering for someone using an intricate whistling sound called ululation.  See video clip above.                                   
4. You start following the Arabic dubbed tele-novellas (drama series) and Egyptian comedies.
5. You start saying "no" non-verbally by simultaneously clicking a sound with your tongue and lifting your eyebrows.
6. You stop wearing shorts in public and feel horrified when others wear indecent clothes. That's when your mental mode included the vocabulary "3ab" which means "shame".
7.  You start introducing  yourself as "Um Yusef" or "Abu Yusef" as a respectable title proclaiming  that " I am the mother/father of Yusef, my firstborn."
8. You start to be cautious of the opposite sex. You've find yourself speaking  shortly and uncomfortably with them in public.
9. Your English sentence included the word, "slowly-slowly", (Arabic,  "shwai shwai") and punctuated with "Inshallah" (God willing).
10. You start cleaning the floor with water and a long handle wiper instead of a mop.
11. You start liking coffee with cardamom and long for sweet mint tea right after your meal.
12. You think it's normal to be taking late lunch at 3pm everyday.
13. You start engaging in political conversations and feel the suffering of the Palestinians and refugees in the region.
14. You start thinking that you may be a recipient of some revenge or envy.

How about you? What kind of behavior did you adapt while living in the Middle East?